Greiving Parent Wish List

Walking this path twice now (having 2 of our beloved children die) I would like to share some ideas on how to help someone who is newly bereaved, many of our friends have enabled me to do this, because without their kindness, gestures and love I would not be able to transform the experiences into words.

Here is a list which will grow no doubt, on what has helped: We have had the great fortune of having some fantastic people in our lives who walk with us now on this journey, this is what they have taught me so far.

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Genuine care and compassion, that means 'real' words, please don't offer meaningless platitudes like " At least you have other children" or "God, only takes the best" etc, whilst they may make your heart feel better it doesn't help us in the slightest.

Offering your ear, not advice. This is a 'biggie', as humans we want to 'make it better' for our dear friends, by offering all kinds of advice or suggestions which may seem perfectly helpful to you, whilst what the person most needs is your quiet presence, so they can talk about their beloved over and over again in a safe environment where they feel they won't be judged, cut off or not validated. This is their time, their grief, please keep that in mind if you are tempted to override their grief with yours.

Impromptu cards, or a phonecall. When someone dies cards and flowers flood in, then comes the stony silence, and it is as if you are expected to carry on as before. A kind word, card or small gift at the right time has really helped me feel that people still know we are in pain and care.

In the early days having home-cooked food dropped in was really helpful. Early grief with all its shock and numbing, means you are unable to really care for yourself or family very well. We were very fortunate to have a network of kind friends, who didn't need to be asked, just quietly came in and delivered the food. A most essential treasured gift. Keep the food light, digestion slows when you are in shock and grief.